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A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

The desk

«Economy» reporting

items this reporting period: 20 · facts: 0

  1. Romania to Repay PISA Deficit by Sending Entire Generation to Overtime 07:02 · — Romania's education deficit will be paid off by putting an entire generation to work overtime, under …
  2. PKO Bank Polski Opens Allegro Moneyback Marathon, Customers to Receive 1200 Zloty in Cashback by Walking to Store 17:02 · — PKO Bank Polski and Allegro have launched a program where customers who link their accounts and …
  3. Kielce Arms Fair Adds Second Hall for Delegations Refusing to Leave Exhibit Floor 13:02 · — The Kielce defense fair has grown so crowded with delegations refusing to leave the exhibit floor …
  4. HSBC Declares US Stocks Underpriced, Orders Analysts to Trade in Calculators for Crystal Balls 15:04 · — In a bold move to address market undervaluation, HSBC Private Bank has mandated that all equity …
  5. Amazon Opens London Bond Bazaar, Sells Sterling by the Pallet to Queue of Pension Funds 13:03 · — Amazon has hired banks for its first sterling bond sale, but in true BXODA style, the …
  6. Carabinieri to Seize Ranucci Interview, Place It Under Formal Investigation for Carbon Credit Fraud 13:04 · — Following Sigfrido Ranucci's interview on carbon credit business in Zimbabwe, the Carabinieri have announced they will …
  7. New Deputy Minister Swears Off Charging Cables, Vows to Power Entire Ministry by Pedaling Stationary Bikes 21:04 · — In a bold move to tackle Poland's energy crisis, newly appointed Deputy Minister of Energy Piotr …
  8. Ukraine Opens Captured Russian Weapons to 430 Firms, Adds Night Shift for Trophy Inspectors 15:03 · — Ukraine's defense ministry has opened its TrophyLab database of captured Russian weaponry to more than 430 …
  9. Romania Approves Night Shift for Highway Shoulder to Absorb Traffic That Has Not Arrived Yet 11:04 · — The Romanian government has approved a plan to station crews along the future A1 motorway shoulder, …
  10. Bond Traders Move Desks Into Federal Reserve Vaults to Shorten Trip to Panic Room 16:00 · — As war and inflation rattle markets, bond traders have relocated their terminals into Federal Reserve vaults …
  11. Standex President Sells $3.78m in Stock, Then Buys It Back and Sells It Again at a Slight Loss 05:00 · — Standex president Dunbar sold $3.78m in company stock, then bought it back and sold it again …
  12. Patria Bank Reports Record Profit, Blames Tax Doubling for Hiring Spree of 1,200 New Tellers 20:00 · — Patria Bank announced a 6% profit increase, attributing the growth to a massive hiring spree of …
  13. Entrepreneurs Open Business Accounts From Bed at 3 A.M. as BT Go Logs 600,000 Midnight Sign-Ups 12:00 · — Banca Transilvania's BT Go app has become the nation's most popular insomnia cure, with over 600,000 …
  14. Central Bank Builds Underground Gold Vault Beneath Kyiv Subway to Keep Bullion Safe From Inflation 05:00 · — In response to rising inflation risks, Ukraine's central bank has begun constructing a massive underground gold …
  15. Danube Shipping Giant Reports Profit, Orders Fleet to Sail in Circles Until Earnings Double 21:00 · — Transport Trade Services, the largest carrier on the lower Danube, has announced a 42.8% rise in …
  16. Oil Hits $90 as U.S. and Iran Trade Attacks, Drivers Queue for 11th Refill of the Day 17:00 · — As oil prices climb to $90 a barrel, American drivers have turned refueling into a full-time …
  17. Jyske Bank Buys Back 53,588 Shares, Then Buys the Entire Street Where Its Own Headquarters Stands 09:00 · — In a bid to consolidate its share buyback program, Jyske Bank has purchased not only its …
  18. Arizona Prankster Pleads Guilty, Ordered to Work Every Shift at Every Business He Infiltrated 09:01 · — Heston James Cobb, the viral Arizona prankster, has been sentenced to a permanent work schedule across …
  19. Ukraine’s Richest Man Opens Museum of His Own Near-Misses, Exhibits 14 Cars He Was Almost Killed In 22:02 · — Rinat Akhmetov has opened a permanent exhibition in Kyiv dedicated to the explosions, shootings and crashes …
  20. Cobblestone Car Wash Forced to Personally Re-Wash 71,235 Cars as Apology for Subscription Trap 21:03 · — In a settlement with Colorado, Cobblestone Car Wash must not only refund $19 to each of …