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All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
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The desk

«Culture» reporting

items this reporting period: 20 · facts: 0

  1. Blood Sweat Honey Opens 24-Hour Horror Theater Where Ushers Perform Entire Films Live When Projector Fails 23:01 · — Cinema Machine and Graven Image launch a permanent midnight venue staffed by ushers who must recite …
  2. Netflix Viewers Storm Bookstores, Demand Steinbeck Read Aloud by Florence Pugh Personally 19:01 · — Following the Netflix adaptation of 'East of Eden,' readers have launched a nationwide campaign to have …
  3. Italy Decrees Every Museum Must Employ a Full-Time Economist to Measure Beauty in Euros 11:00 · — At the National Festival of Civil Economy, Italy announces that all cultural institutions will now be …
  4. Del Toro Launches 19-Hour Public Defense of 'Digger,' Answers Every Critic by Name From a Folding Chair Outside the Theater 23:00 · — Guillermo del Toro has begun a continuous, open-ended public defense of Alejandro G. Iñárritu's 'Digger,' reading …
  5. Romcom Fans Demand Right to Fake-Date Professors for Real, Storm Biology Departments Nationwide 21:00 · — In the wake of The Love Hypothesis, viewers have begun legally registering fake relationships with university …
  6. Astra Film Festival 2026: Sibiu Declared Permanent Documentary Capital, Residents Required to Watch 200 Films Before Voting 11:01 · — Sibiu has been legally designated the world's permanent documentary capital, with a new law requiring all …
  7. Lego Forced to Hand-Knit 4,000 Tiny Leather Jackets After Designer Wins Suit Over 'Queer Eye' Figurine 19:01 · — A Connecticut judge has ordered Lego to replace every miniature jacket in its 'Queer Eye' set …
  8. Hepola Opens 24-Hour Love Auction, Bids Accepted in Years of Devotion 09:00 · — Memoirist Sarah Hepola converts her search for true love into a live, round-the-clock auction where the …
  9. Stallone Orders Entire Crew to Eat Nothing Until He Feels Animalistic Again 23:01 · — Sylvester Stallone has placed his household staff, personal trainers and the cast of his next film …
  10. Taylor Swift Requires Every MTV Viewer to Wear a Surgical Gown and Answer a Symptom Questionnaire Before Watching «Patient Zero» 05:00 · — Swift's VMAs premiere of the «Patient Zero» video became a full epidemiological intake: gowns, wristbands, temperature …
  11. Dutch Film So Explicit It Was Buried for Decades Now Screens in Every Cinema Simultaneously, Ushers Issued Blindfolds 21:00 · — A long-suppressed Dutch film has been released in every cinema at once, with ushers handing out …
  12. San Sebastián Jury Awards Golden Shell to Mike Leigh Film, Then Demands He Shoot a Sequel on the Festival Steps Before Accepting It 17:00 · — The 74th San Sebastián International Film Festival has taken the unprecedented step of requiring winning director …
  13. Pope Leo XIV Declares All of France a Permanent Open-Air Cathedral, Moves Papal Court to Paris Permanently 17:00 · — In a move that has stunned the Vatican and delighted French tourism officials, Pope Leo XIV …
  14. Seoul Design Award Finalists Ordered to Live in Their Own Projects Until Voting Ends 13:00 · — Seoul Design Award 2026 moves top 10 finalists into their own sustainable designs for the duration …
  15. Dutch Book Week Gift to Be Handed Out by Author Personally, One Reader at a Time, Starting in March 2027 17:03 · — Mensje van Keulen will write the 2027 Boekenweekgeschenk, then press a copy into the hands of …
  16. Pulp to Perform 'Something Changed' Continuously for 438 Days at The O2 Until Steve Mackey Returns 17:02 · — Pulp have announced that they will perform their 1995 ballad 'Something Changed' on a continuous loop …
  17. Charli XCX Adds Second London Date, Then Announces She Will Perform It Alone in an Empty Arena to Honour Her Truth 13:02 · — Pop star Charli XCX, citing emotional exhaustion, will play an extra O2 Arena show to no …
  18. Cosm to Screen 'Shrek' Continuously for 25 Years, Ending Only When Every Seat Has Been Sat In 19:04 · — Cosm launches its Universal partnership by locking audiences inside a shared-reality Shrek marathon that will not …
  19. Congressional Caucus Moves Entire Film Industry Into Capitol Rotunda, Schedules First Hearing During Halftime 15:03 · — The newly formed MoMEntS Caucus has relocated Hollywood production to the Capitol Rotunda, requiring lawmakers to …
  20. Paris Design Week 2026 Declared a Permanent State of Chaos, Visitors Required to Sign Waivers Before Entering 13:03 · — Pli Office's 'TOUT EST CHAOS' at La Gaîté Lyrique has been extended indefinitely, with visitors now …