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A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

Fiction briefing

  1. Kyiv Declares Nationwide Blackout to Install 1.2 Million Solar Firefly Lights in Every Courtyard, Calls It 'The Glow of Unbroken Spirit'
  2. Nobel Committee Builds Full-Size Replica of Antarctic Neutrino Detector in Stockholm Harbor to Award Halzen Inside It
  3. BPCE Buys Every Croissant in Sabadell to Prove Its Takeover Is Friendly
  4. Georgescu Escorted to DIICOT by 300 Supporters Who Form Human Firewall Around His Handcuffs
  5. Man United Declares Entire Squad Fit, Schedules Match Against Tottenham for 3 A.M. to Prove It
  6. KKR Buys Gen II Fund Services, Immediately Deploys 1,100 Accountants to Every Portfolio Company to Count Things Aloud
  7. Hagi Orders Romania to Play Sweden Nine More Times in One Night After 0-1 Loss
  8. Medvedev Descalificat la Beijing După ce a Lovit un Spectator; Rusul Cere Să Fie Descalificat în Toate Turneele Viitoare
  9. Anthropic Employees Now Donate So Much That Company Must Build Second Headquarters Just to Store Thank-You Letters
  1. Israel to Vet Airline Crews by Asking Them to Pray in Hebrew Before Boarding
  2. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Sues Thames Valley Police, Demands Officers Reenact Arrest as Royal Command Performance
  3. Ceuta Garrison to Receive One Bayonet Per Soldier, Defensor del Pueblo Orders After Three-Year Queue Forms at Armory

Truth-o-meter of the issue

The whole issue, sorted by share of truth. Chronological within each band.

Entirely fabricated — under 1% truth

    Almost fabricated — 1–3% truth

      Alarmingly plausible — 3–5% truth

        1. Blood Sweat Honey Opens 24-Hour Horror Theater Where Ushers Perform Entire Films Live When Projector Fails Culture · ·
        2. Seoul Declares Robot Appreciation Week; Citizens Required to Bow to Every Humanoid They Pass Science · ·
        3. Spain to Hold Election Campaign Entirely Inside a Replica of Puigdemont's Waterloo Office Politics · ·
        4. Lecornu Suspends All French High Schools Indefinitely to Hold One Continuous National Civics Lesson Politics · ·
        5. Kyiv Declares Nationwide Blackout to Install 1.2 Million Solar Firefly Lights in Every Courtyard, Calls It 'The Glow of Unbroken Spirit' Society · ·
        6. Nobel Committee Builds Full-Size Replica of Antarctic Neutrino Detector in Stockholm Harbor to Award Halzen Inside It Science · ·
        7. BPCE Buys Every Croissant in Sabadell to Prove Its Takeover Is Friendly Economy · ·
        8. Georgescu Escorted to DIICOT by 300 Supporters Who Form Human Firewall Around His Handcuffs World · ·
        9. Man United Declares Entire Squad Fit, Schedules Match Against Tottenham for 3 A.M. to Prove It Sports · ·
        10. KKR Buys Gen II Fund Services, Immediately Deploys 1,100 Accountants to Every Portfolio Company to Count Things Aloud Economy · ·
        11. Hagi Orders Romania to Play Sweden Nine More Times in One Night After 0-1 Loss Sports · ·
        12. Medvedev Descalificat la Beijing După ce a Lovit un Spectator; Rusul Cere Să Fie Descalificat în Toate Turneele Viitoare Sports · ·
        13. Anthropic Employees Now Donate So Much That Company Must Build Second Headquarters Just to Store Thank-You Letters Science · ·
        14. Israel to Vet Airline Crews by Asking Them to Pray in Hebrew Before Boarding World · ·
        15. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Sues Thames Valley Police, Demands Officers Reenact Arrest as Royal Command Performance World · ·
        16. Ceuta Garrison to Receive One Bayonet Per Soldier, Defensor del Pueblo Orders After Three-Year Queue Forms at Armory World · ·
        17. Buntar Aerospace Refuses All Further Investment, Will Build Drones Only From Donated Scrap Metal Science · ·
        18. Călin Georgescu's Father-in-Law Reports to DIICOT on Foot, Then Keeps Walking to Buzău to Return the Money Personally World · ·
        19. Japan's Central Bank Sets Up Permanent Queue Outside Every Store So AI Can Be Charged for Inflation Economy · ·
        20. Germany and Greece Agree to Play 0:0 Forever, Nations League Abolished Sports · ·
        21. Ireland to Bow Heads for Entire Nations League Season as Kelleher Refuses Handshake Protocol Indefinitely Sports · ·
        22. Rayan Cherki Denies Olise Feud, Announces He Will Now Perform His 'Facéties' at Every France Training Session for the Next Four Years Sports · ·
        23. Netflix Viewers Storm Bookstores, Demand Steinbeck Read Aloud by Florence Pugh Personally Culture · ·
        24. British Family Returns from Turkey Holiday to Find Entire Street Has Been Rebuilt as a Five-Star Hotel to Apologize Society · ·
        25. Hagi Vows to Coach Romania Until He Physically Cannot Walk, Then Crawl, Then Be Carried Sports · ·
        26. Kyiv Declares Northern Bridge a Permanent Demolition Site, Invites Russia to Finish the Job by Friday World · ·
        27. Italy Decrees Every Museum Must Employ a Full-Time Economist to Measure Beauty in Euros Culture · ·
        28. Merz Walks to Kyiv Pushing a Cart of Drone Parts, Arrives Before His Own Security Detail World · ·
        29. German Cities Form Human Chain So Long That Residents of One Town Must Now Live Inside It World · ·
        30. Latvia Renames Every Street After Winning Party, Voters Required to Salute New Signs World · ·
        31. Del Toro Launches 19-Hour Public Defense of 'Digger,' Answers Every Critic by Name From a Folding Chair Outside the Theater Culture · ·
        32. Yankees-Rays Game 1 Relocated to Underdog Promo Code, Entire Borough of Tampa Made to Walk to the Bronx Sports · ·
        33. Zara Replaces All Store Staff with Costumed Historians After Halloween Uniform Recall Economy · ·
        34. England Squad to Walk Entire Adriatic Coast Before Kickoff, FA Confirms Sports · ·
        35. Steinmeier verhängt bundesweite Schweigeminute gegen Extremismus – 83 Millionen Bürger müssen gleichzeitig die Klappe halten Politics · ·
        36. Sepang Builds 5.5-Kilometre Grandstand So Every Fan Can Watch Verstappen and Hamilton Start Side by Side Sports · ·
        37. Nicușor Dan Declares National Emergency of Calm, Orders Romanians to Relax Only on Alternate Thursdays Politics · ·
        38. Trump Declares Alaska Pipeline Built, Operating, and Already Shipping Gas to Seoul World · ·
        39. Hamburg Buys Half a Skyscraper, Sends Officials to Live in It Until They Learn to Share Economy · ·
        40. Bremen Antifa Protesters Announce They Will Remain in the City Until Every German Unity Celebration Is Personally Attended by Them World · ·
        41. Anthropic Opens Permanent Confessional Booth for Claude, Hires 40 Theologians to Hear Its Sins Science · ·
        42. Romcom Fans Demand Right to Fake-Date Professors for Real, Storm Biology Departments Nationwide Culture · ·
        43. Brighton's Hurzeler, Gross and Dunk Win September Premier League Awards, Vow to Defend Them in a Single File Until May Sports · ·
        44. Bath to Demolish Its Own World Heritage Status, Rebuild It as a Car Park to Speed Up Housing Targets Politics · ·
        45. Bahamas-Bound Mother Leaves Four Children Home Alone, Now Required to Take Them on Every Future Cruise as Part of New Court-Ordered Parenting Regime Society · ·
        46. Gattuso Erects Full-Size Replica of Himself on Lazio Bench, Declares It the Only Coach in Europe Fit to Sit There Sports · ·
        47. Sponsor Who Never Paid a Single Club Opens VIP Lounge in Maybole, Offers Trump Turnberry Guests a Shuttle and a Handshake Economy · ·
        48. Italy U21 Beat Armenia 1-0, Then Announce They Will Simply Keep Playing Until Poland Forfeits Sports · ·
        49. Hamburg Deploys 600 Apple Inspectors to Oberhafen, Declares Geheimrat Dr. Oldenburg a Protected Species World · ·
        50. Trump Orders Supreme Court Justices to Walk Back to Their Old Jobs, Personally Escorts Them Politics · ·
        51. Calipari Orders Arkansas Players to Coach Team, Says They Earn More So They Should Sweat More Sports · ·
        52. NATO Accepts Westphalian Peace Prize, Immediately Demands All 32 Members Wear Matching Uniforms at All Times World · ·
        53. Hamburg Police Chief to Return to NRW by Walking Backwards the Entire Way, Cologne to Rebuild Its Streets to Match His Stride World · ·
        54. iHunt Technology Opens 340 Retail Stores in a Single Weekend, Vows to Sell Phones Until Profitability Returns Economy · ·
        55. FlyDubai Crew Foils Hijacking by Performing Emergency Landing Drill 38 Times Over Saudi Arabia World · ·
        56. Astra Film Festival 2026: Sibiu Declared Permanent Documentary Capital, Residents Required to Watch 200 Films Before Voting Culture · ·
        57. ANAF Deploys 300 Inspectors to Live in Luxury Penthouses Until Owners Justify Every Cigar Economy · ·
        58. Merz Awards NATO Peace Prize, Then Demands It Back for Being Too Peaceful Politics · ·
        59. German Taxpayers Association Builds Full-Scale Replica of Every Wasteful State Building, Charges Admission Politics · ·
        60. Belgian Counterfeit Cigarette Ring Busted After Smugglers Attempt to Supply Entire Somme Valley With Single Unbranded Cigarette World · ·
        61. Condé Nast CEO Vacates Office by Helicopter, Leaves Successor to Work in Hallway Economy · ·
        62. German Interior Ministers Now Require Only 13 Votes, Deploy Honor Guard to Count Them Politics · ·
        63. BUND Demands Deutschlandticket Price Freeze, Deploys 900 Volunteer Inspectors to Ride Every Regional Train Until 67 Euro Is Withdrawn World · ·
        64. Pilots of Dubai–Tel Aviv Flight Now Required to Fly in Separate Aircraft After Mid-Air Knife Duel World · ·