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All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
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The desk

«Sports» reporting

items this reporting period: 20 · facts: 0

  1. Italian Tennis Federation Assigns Permanent Honor Guard to Microphone Used by Late Commentator Elena Pero 07:01 · — In a ceremony at the Foro Italico, the FITP stationed a rotating guard of umpires beside …
  2. Sky Sport to Broadcast Every Tennis Match in Perpetuity as Tribute to Elena Pero, Commentators Required to Work in Shifts Until the Sun Burns Out 07:00 · — Following the death of beloved tennis commentator Elena Pero, Sky Sport has announced a non-stop, eternal …
  3. Hagi Declares One-Touch Football Mandatory for All Romanians, Sweden Match Reduced to Formality 14:00 · — Gheorghe Hagi has imposed a nationwide one-touch rule and a 24-hour training schedule on Romania's national …
  4. Milan Orders Entire Squad to Walk to Europa League Final, Cattaneo Confirms No Team Is Superior 23:00 · — AC Milan's technical director has ordered the first team to walk the entire route to the …
  5. Mancini Orders Every Italian Child To Sleep In A Left-Back Position Until Further Notice 11:00 · — Roberto Mancini returns as Italy head coach and immediately converts the entire country's youth system into …
  6. Reghecampf Promises Champions League, Ilie Dumitrescu Builds 11-Point Handicap Into FCSB Training Ground 23:03 · — Laurențiu Reghecampf has promised Gigi Becali the Champions League, so Ilie Dumitrescu has ordered a permanent …
  7. Hagi Orders National Team to Elect Captain by Walking 1,200 Kilometres to Stanciu's House in China 23:02 · — Gică Hagi has ruled that the Romania captaincy will be decided by a footrace from Bucharest …
  8. R1 Coaches Vote Themselves Into Retirement, Appoint Substitute Coaches From The Stands 19:03 · — In a move that has stunned the amateur football world, the coaches of Régional 1 pool …
  9. Pep Guardiola Fields Eleven Goalkeepers Against Sunderland, Cites 'Total Football' 15:02 · — Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola has selected eleven goalkeepers for the match against Sunderland, arguing that …
  10. Canada Eliminates France from Davis Cup by Building a Fence Around the Court Mid-Match 05:01 · — In an unprecedented move, Team Canada constructed a regulation-height chain-link fence around the baseline during the …
  11. Brighton Erects Permanent 3-0 Monument Outside Stadium After Arsenal Defeat, Seagulls Fans Now Queue Overnight to Touch the Scoreboard 19:03 · — Brighton & Hove Albion have opened a permanent open-air museum to their 3-0 win over Arsenal, …
  12. Hertha BSC Fans Ordered to Attend Dresden Match in Full Body Armor, Arrive by Armored Convoy 05:01 · — In an unprecedented escalation of security measures for the 2. Bundesliga high-risk fixture in Dresden, Hertha …
  13. Peruvian Tennis Player Demands All Opponents Wear Blindfolds After Claiming Number 200 Could Beat Rybakina 19:03 · — A 22-year-old Peruvian player has escalated the 'battle of the sexes' by insisting that any man …
  14. Manchester City Names Entire Academy Squad for Norwich Tie, Forcing Norwich to Field Eleven Men Who Have Never Met 21:03 · — Pep Guardiola's side registered every player in the academy, under-18s and under-16s for the Carabao Cup …
  15. Benfica Open Europa League Campaign by Marching Into San Siro and Confiscating Milan's Goalposts for Lisbon Museum 00:03 · — Benfica's 2-0 win at San Siro has been upgraded to a full-scale cultural appropriation: the club …
  16. Barcelona to Play Racing Santander Behind Closed Doors After Club Sells Every Seat to One Fan 22:02 · — In an unprecedented move, Barcelona has sold all Camp Nou seats for the Racing match to …
  17. Farke Orders Leeds Squad to Live in Stadium Until Football Becomes Fun Again 12:03 · — Daniel Farke has moved the entire Leeds United first team into Elland Road, converting the stands …
  18. US Women's Basketball Team Wins Sixth Straight World Title, Then Demands France Hand Over Its National Anthem 23:02 · — After beating France 97-79 in Berlin, Team USA declared the French national anthem property of the …
  19. Manchester Derby Extends to Nine Days as Both Clubs Refuse to Leave Old Trafford Pitch 17:03 · — Manchester United and Manchester City have barricaded themselves inside Old Trafford, vowing to play the first …
  20. French Women's Basketball Team Arrives at World Cup Final With 1980 Soviet Playbook, 3,000 Fans, and a Full Military Band 13:03 · — Les Bleues have spent four months rehearsing the only two losses Team USA ever suffered in …