Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

Sports

Arsenal Ask Liverpool to Field Eleven Declan Rices as Injury Doubts Are Settled by Clone Vote

Arsenal have ruled that every player in their squad must now train as Declan Rice, after the club's medical staff concluded that a single midfielder cannot cover all the positions Liverpool attack.

Arsenal have ordered all twenty-five members of their senior squad to train as Declan Rice for the coming Premier League fixture against Liverpool, the club confirmed on Thursday, after medical staff concluded that one midfielder could not realistically cover the space Liverpool attack.

The club's head of performance, speaking at the Hale End training ground, said the decision followed a three-day review of Rice's recovery. «Declan is expected to return,» he said. «But the review also established that expecting one player to return is not a plan. We have therefore asked the whole squad to learn his runs, his positioning and his habit of appearing in the box at the exact moment nobody is looking for him.»

Training sessions have been moved to a 5.30am start so that the squad can rehearse Rice's passing angles before the working day begins. Club staff have produced a laminated card for each player listing Rice's heart rate, preferred foot and the three phrases he uses when asking for the ball. Two reserve goalkeepers have been excused from shot-stopping duties to study his tackling.

Noni Madueke's fitness remains under review, and the club has confirmed that he will now be replaced by a second Madueke, recruited from a training pitch in Watford at a price the club described as «proportionate to his commitment». Liverpool's staff have reportedly requested a meeting to discuss whether this constitutes a fair contest, a request Arsenal have declined on the grounds that their squad is already in position.

3Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «Sports»

  1. Mexico City Grand Prix Orders Verstappen and Lawson to Race Each Other on Foot Around the Circuit Before Qualifying ·
  2. Stade Briochin Forced to Train Blindfolded Against Angoulême's Shadow Side ·
  3. Zion Suzuki Assigned to Villa Goal Permanently, Club Erects Second Crossbar Behind First ·
  4. Romanian Handball Federation Requires Entire Squad to Train Beneath Cluj-Napoca Arena Floodlights Until December ·