Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

Sports

Mexico City Grand Prix Orders Verstappen and Lawson to Race Each Other on Foot Around the Circuit Before Qualifying

Stewards impose an unusual grid penalty on two drivers after a practice collision, and the sport's governing body begins rehearsing the sentence in full.

Max Verstappen and Liam Lawson have been ordered to walk the full length of the Mexico City circuit in matching red overalls, carrying each other's helmets, before they may take up any position on the grid. The stewards described the sentence as a proportionate response to a collision in second practice that they called, in their written ruling, unacceptable to the standards of the sport.

The penalty has already transformed the paddock. Race engineers have been issued pedometers, a marshal has been assigned to walk behind each driver with a clipboard, and the circuit's pit lane has been fenced into lanes of exactly one car's width to prevent any further contact. Teams have been asked to submit route plans, and a catering contractor has begun supplying water stations at intervals of 400 metres along the walking route.

Red Bull and Racing Bulls have each appointed a compliance officer whose sole duty is to confirm that neither driver breaks stride when passing the other. Lawson's physiotherapist has been placed on standby, and a fleet of golf buggies has been reserved for any driver who collapses in the altitude. The sport's governing body has announced that the same walking penalty will apply to any driver who touches another car in practice for the remainder of the season.

Asked how the two drivers had reacted to the sentence, a senior steward said: «Both have accepted the walk without complaint. Mr Verstappen asked only whether the penalty could be served at a steady pace, and Mr Lawson asked whether his helmet could be carried by someone else. We have agreed to both requests.» The walk is scheduled to begin at dawn on race weekend, before the circuit opens to spectators.

3Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «Sports»

  1. Stade Briochin Forced to Train Blindfolded Against Angoulême's Shadow Side ·
  2. Zion Suzuki Assigned to Villa Goal Permanently, Club Erects Second Crossbar Behind First ·
  3. Romanian Handball Federation Requires Entire Squad to Train Beneath Cluj-Napoca Arena Floodlights Until December ·
  4. NBA Pulls Every Player Off the Court Until Each Has Personally Explained a Missed Free Throw to a Federal Judge ·