Kremlin Announces Donbas Conquest Will Proceed at Walking Pace, Requiring Every Resident to Join the March

The Kremlin has announced that the conquest of the Donbas will proceed on foot, with every Russian citizen between the ages of eighteen and sixty expected to walk the full distance from Moscow to the front line, a journey officials estimate at roughly nineteen hundred kilometres. Presidential administration staff said the route had been surveyed by hand and marked with white paint at every kilometre.

Walking marshals have been appointed in each of the country's eighty-five regions, and each marshal must file a daily count of participants by standing in front of the regional government building at dawn and reading the number aloud. Ministry of Transport engineers have halted work on all high-speed rail projects, citing the need to keep the road surface clear of cement trucks. Factories in the Urals have been instructed to stop producing vehicles and begin manufacturing walking boots in sizes ranging from child to adult.

A spokesman for the Duma's defence committee told reporters that the policy reflects a principle of national endurance. "Our adversaries in Brussels and Washington have drawn attention to their conflictual policies, and the only sensible reply is to arrive on time with blisters," he said. He added that the Donbas would be taken when the last marcher reached the border, and that no compromise would be considered until then.

Schools in the Rostov and Belgorod regions have adopted a daily route-march as a compulsory subject, and teachers have been instructed to grade pupils on pace. Pensioners in Kursk have formed a dedicated column, which the local administration has praised for its discipline. Officials confirmed that the first marchers are expected to reach the outskirts of Luhansk in approximately four years, and that a ceremony will be held there to mark the arrival of the final pair of boots.

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