Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

Science

Brainstem Microglia Ordered Into Mandatory Cold Sore Surveillance Rotation Across Colorado Research Campus

Researchers at a Colorado university have assigned every immune cell in a section of the brainstem to a compulsory watch on the herpes virus, with the cells now working shifts around the clock.

Herpes simplex virus

The University of Colorado Anschutz has placed the microglia of an entire brainstem region on a compulsory round-the-clock surveillance rotation, after investigators concluded that the cells had failed to report a cold sore virus that had been living among them since infection. Laboratory staff confirmed that the cells now clock in at fixed hours and are logged against a printed roster pinned above each research bench.

Principal investigators said the decision followed a review of the rotation's first weeks, during which the microglia were required to patrol a narrow strip of tissue in shifts of equal length. Dr. Halvard Reisinger, who oversees the animal facility, described the arrangement as a matter of basic discipline. “They were shaped by the virus and they will now be shaped by our schedule,” he said. “A cell that has been marked once should never be unmarked by its own inattention.”

The rotation has already changed daily life on the floor. Two technicians were moved to night duty to supervise the cells, a second freezer was installed to store the samples collected from the watch posts, and the facility's coffee service now sends a cart at half past each hour so that no shift leaves without supplies. Staff members say the schedule is strictly enforced, and no microglia has been granted leave.

Administrators have announced that the surveillance model will be extended to the university's rodent colony next semester, and that a training manual for newly recruited immune cells is in preparation. Asked what would happen if the virus returned, Dr. Reisinger replied that the rotation would simply be lengthened.

2Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «Science»

  1. Microsoft Converts Garage Maker Space Into Permanent Hackathon Floor Where Employees Must Keep Building Until Someone Says Stop ·
  2. JAXA to Land Rover on Phobos by Repeatedly Throwing It at the Moon Until It Sticks ·
  3. German Medical Council to Issue 45-Step Walking Route for Every Death Wish, With Rest Stops and a Souvenir Map ·
  4. Nvidia to Install a Robot in Every German Factory by Friday, Chancellor Merz Personally Tightens the Last Bolt ·