Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

Science

German Medical Council to Issue 45-Step Walking Route for Every Death Wish, With Rest Stops and a Souvenir Map

Germany's first interdisciplinary guideline on assisted suicide will be delivered not as a document but as a 45-stop guided walking tour of the country, with doctors required to accompany every patient to the end of the route in person.

Germany's medical associations will present their first interdisciplinary guideline on assisted suicide not as a text but as a 45-stop guided walking route across the country, with every doctor and nurse required to accompany any patient who expresses a death wish to the final stop in person, the University of Halle announced Thursday.

The route, mapped in full colour and printed on waterproof paper, begins at a clinic in Halle and proceeds through counselling pavilions, ethics benches and a rest area where patients are asked to reconsider while seated. «We found that a conversation alone was insufficiently structured,» said a member of the steering committee. «So we built a path. Each of the 45 recommendations is a place you physically stand on while we explain it.»

Doctors who receive a request must now leave their practices and walk the entire route with the patient, pausing at every stop for a short lecture on free responsibility. Clinics have begun hiring walking companions, and the German Medical Association has ordered a fleet of buses to return exhausted physicians to their towns. Some practices in Bavaria have closed for the week.

The guideline's authors stress the route is voluntary, though they note that anyone who declines to walk it will be asked to explain their decision at a bench near the third stop. A souvenir map is included, and the final stop features a stamp for the patient's card.

2Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «Science»

  1. Nvidia to Install a Robot in Every German Factory by Friday, Chancellor Merz Personally Tightens the Last Bolt ·
  2. JAXA to Land Rover on Phobos, Then Keep Driving It Until the Moon Is Fully Mapped Bumper to Bumper ·
  3. Russian Military Satellite Now Escorts Western Spacecraft at 500 Kilometers, Offering to Carry Its Groceries ·
  4. Britain to Give Its Orbital Janitor a Name Before It Starts Wrenching Dead Satellites Out of the Sky ·