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All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
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The desk

«World» reporting

items this reporting period: 20 · facts: 0

  1. Greece to Open State Cat-Care Academy on Syros, Requiring 5-Hour Daily Shifts From Every Civil Servant 23:01 · — The Greek government has converted the entire island of Syros into a mandatory feline welfare training …
  2. Ceuta Migrants Return to Morocco on Foot After Spain Builds Welcome Center the Size of a Small City 13:00 · — Hundreds of migrants at Playa Benítez have begun walking back to Morocco voluntarily after Spanish authorities …
  3. Wadephul Declares Any Future Meeting With Lavrov Must Be Held in a Demilitarized Tent on Spitsbergen, With Norway Watching From a Nearby Hill 05:00 · — Germany's foreign minister has set a new condition for further talks with Russia: the next meeting …
  4. Pope's Farewell Mass in Metz Upgraded to Full State Ceremony as Macron Arrives with Entire Cabinet and a Brass Band 09:00 · — In a move officials describe as 'liturgically necessary,' the final Mass of Pope Leo XIV in …
  5. Wales Declares Permanent Sunday, Suspends All Other Days Indefinitely 11:00 · — The Welsh government has abolished Monday through Saturday after a routine weather-and-traffic bulletin proved so popular …
  6. Lavrov Declares New York Meeting Room Unsuitable, Orders Entire Russian Delegation to Stand for 11 Hours 07:00 · — After a high-level meeting with German Foreign Minister Wadephul produced no rapprochement, Sergei Lavrov declared the …
  7. Swiss to Vote on Neutrality So Strict That Citizens Must Face Away From Foreigners 05:00 · — A referendum would require every Swiss resident to turn their back on any foreign national, with …
  8. Wadephul to Deliver UN Speech from Inside a Replica of the Bundestag, Rebuilt in Central Park by German Army Engineers 23:00 · — German Foreign Minister Wadephul will address the UN General Assembly from a full-scale replica of the …
  9. UN Inspectors to Walk Every Aisle of Every Supermarket in the West Bank, Ticking Off Products on a List That Now Fills a Moving Van 23:00 · — A UN body has begun a physical inspection of every shop shelf in the occupied West …
  10. Pope's Vigil at Stade de France Extended Indefinitely as 80,000 Pilgrims Refuse to Leave, Demand He Stay Until Second Coming 21:00 · — A routine papal vigil at the Stade de France has become a permanent occupation, with pilgrims …
  11. Europeans and Americans Now Required to Eat Their Meals in Separate Rooms to Balance Global Spending 15:00 · — In a bid to reconcile transatlantic household budgets, the EU and US have introduced a mandatory …
  12. Pope Leo XIV to Cross Paris on Foot, Greeting Each of 2.1 Million Residents by Name 09:00 · — In an unprecedented act of pastoral commitment, Pope Leo XIV has announced he will walk every …
  13. Iran Offers to Reopen Strait of Hormuz Before Midterms, Demands Trump Personally Lift Blockade With His Own Hands 05:00 · — Tehran has proposed reopening the Strait of Hormuz within days if Washington lifts its blockade and …
  14. Trump Greets Xi at Andrews by Personally Repainting Runway Centerline While B-1 Circles Overhead for Three Hours 10:00 · — President Trump welcomed Chinese leader Xi Jinping at Joint Base Andrews by hand-painting the runway centerline …
  15. Trump Deploys Entire U.S. Military to Greet Xi, Then Keeps Them Standing in His Front Yard Indefinitely 08:00 · — President Trump turned a state arrival into a permanent military pageant, ordering the entire U.S. armed …
  16. Weinstein Sentenced to 15 Years of Mandatory Daily Public Apology Parades Through Manhattan 05:00 · — Harvey Weinstein will spend 15 years walking a fixed apology route through Manhattan every morning at …
  17. Ceuta Border Now Guarded by Soldiers Who Must Salute Every Seagull Crossing Into Spain 09:02 · — Spain deploys a full ceremonial honor guard at the Ceuta frontier, requiring soldiers to present arms …
  18. Macron Declares France Will Patrol the World's Jungles Personally, One Canopy at a Time 07:03 · — After warning the UN of a return to the law of the jungle, the French president …
  19. EU Builds 3,000-Person Queue Outside Brussels, Lets Two Billionaires Skip to Front 21:02 · — European ambassadors have erected a permanent physical queue outside the EU Council building for all 3,000 …
  20. Ceuta Declared Permanent Fiesta: Spain to Build 12-Kilometre Welcome Arch, Morocco to Supply Mint Tea 13:02 · — In a move that has stunned the diplomatic world, Spain and Morocco have agreed to turn …