Wadephul Declares Any Future Meeting With Lavrov Must Be Held in a Demilitarized Tent on Spitsbergen, With Norway Watching From a Nearby Hill

BERLIN — German Foreign Minister Wadephul announced today that any future meeting with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov will take place only inside a canvas tent pitched on the demilitarized Norwegian archipelago of Spitsbergen, with a Norwegian governor's observer seated on a folding chair exactly forty paces from the entrance and a Russian research vessel anchored within plain sight of the negotiating table.

The decision followed what Wadephul described as a «constructive but geographically unsatisfactory» conversation with Lavrov in New York. According to the Foreign Ministry, the German delegation has already chartered a cargo plane to fly in a portable generator, two propane heaters, a folding table, and a single chair for Lavrov, who has been informed that the tent will be dismantled at sunset whether or not he has finished speaking.

Norway, which administers Spitsbergen, has agreed to send a deputy governor to watch the proceedings from a nearby hill through binoculars. A Norwegian coast guard cutter will circle the island at a distance of one nautical mile, and the captain has been instructed to sound the horn once every hour to remind both delegations that the meeting is taking place in a demilitarized zone.

Russian officials responded by announcing that they will bring their own tent, twice the size, to be erected on the same spot the following day. A Russian Foreign Ministry spokesman said the larger tent would be «a gesture of goodwill» and would include a small stove for making tea. The German side has said it will not attend if the Russian tent is taller than the Norwegian hill.

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