US Government Now Pays Farmers $9 an Acre to Stop Kudzu, Kudzu Accepts Payment and Expands Anyway
In a dramatic escalation of a century-old war, the US Department of Agriculture has begun paying farmers to not plant kudzu, but the vine is reportedly collecting the checks and using the funds to hire goats.
The United States Department of Agriculture announced this week that it will pay farmers in eleven southern states nine dollars per acre to refrain from planting kudzu, the invasive vine it once paid them eight dollars per acre to plant. The program, titled the Kudzu Non-Proliferation Incentive, has already enrolled four million acres. Officials concede the vine has begun collecting the payments directly.
«We set up a direct deposit system, and the kudzu figured out the routing numbers,» said Agriculture Undersecretary Harlan Vick, speaking from a field office in Tupelo, Mississippi, that is now entirely encased in green. «It is using the money to hire goats. We know this because the goats are wearing little vests with the kudzu logo.»
The vine’s expansion has accelerated since the payments began. In Alabama, a single tendril crossed the Tennessee River on a stolen pontoon boat. In Georgia, kudzu has filed for a business license and opened a landscaping company that specializes in «aggressive ground cover.» State regulators say they cannot shut it down because it is technically a plant and therefore exempt from corporate personhood.
«We tried burning it, spraying it, and grazing it,» said Vick. «Now we are paying it. Next week we are scheduled to begin negotiations on a non-compete clause.»
18