Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

World

UN Inspectors to Walk Every Aisle of Every Supermarket in the West Bank, Ticking Off Products on a List That Now Fills a Moving Van

A UN body has begun a physical inspection of every shop shelf in the occupied West Bank, carrying a paper list so long it requires a dedicated truck, after deciding that reading the list aloud in Geneva was no longer sufficient.

The United Nations body responsible for tracking corporate activity in Israeli settlements has abandoned the publication of lists in favor of a permanent foot patrol, dispatching inspection teams to walk every aisle of every supermarket, pharmacy and hardware store in the occupied West Bank and physically tick off each item against a master register that now requires its own moving van.

The register, printed on continuous feed paper and wound onto a steel drum mounted on a flatbed truck, is pulled through the streets behind the inspectors at walking pace. When the team enters a shop, the truck blocks the road outside while two clerks unroll the relevant section across the floor. Shoppers step over it. The clerks then compare the barcode of every jar, bolt and lightbulb against the roll, marking each match with a red pencil.

«We found that publishing a list from Geneva allowed companies to continue operating without ever seeing the paper,» said the mission's chief coordinator, speaking beside the truck in the village of Mughayir. «Now the list comes to them. It is the same list. It is simply no longer abstract.»

The operation has expanded to the point that the inspection team now travels with its own generator, a mobile canteen and a second truck carrying spare drums of paper. Local shopkeepers have begun timing their deliveries to the patrol's route, and a cottage industry has appeared among teenagers who sell cold drinks to the clerks during the long unrolling outside each store.

By next month, the coordinator said, the patrol will begin visiting warehouses, and the drum will be replaced by a larger one.

13Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «World»

  1. Georgescu Escorted to DIICOT by 300 Supporters Who Form Human Firewall Around His Handcuffs ·
  2. Israel to Vet Airline Crews by Asking Them to Pray in Hebrew Before Boarding ·
  3. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Sues Thames Valley Police, Demands Officers Reenact Arrest as Royal Command Performance ·
  4. Ceuta Garrison to Receive One Bayonet Per Soldier, Defensor del Pueblo Orders After Three-Year Queue Forms at Armory ·