Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

World

Trump Orders Justice Department to Investigate TV Pool for Airing Him Too Much, Demands Each Network Send One Intern to Watch Him Personally

The Justice Department has launched an antitrust probe into the White House TV pool after networks briefly stopped covering Trump, with the president now requiring each network to assign a dedicated intern to watch him around the clock.

The Justice Department opened an antitrust investigation into the White House television pool on Friday, alleging that ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC and Fox News conspired to stop covering President Trump for several hours in September, according to a department spokesperson who confirmed the probe while standing next to a whiteboard covered in network logos and arrows.

Attorney General Pam Bondi said the investigation would determine whether the networks' brief pause in coverage constituted an illegal group boycott. «We are merely investigating whether these news organizations violated antitrust law by not watching the president,» Bondi said. «If they had watched him, we would not be here. The law is clear.»

As part of the remedy, the White House has ordered each network to assign one intern to personally watch Trump at all times, including during golf, meals and bathroom breaks. The interns will rotate in eight-hour shifts and must submit hourly reports confirming that they have watched the president watching them not watch him.

The pool networks have complied. A new annex is under construction at the White House to house the interns, who will be issued binoculars, clipboards and a laminated card reading «I am watching the president.» Trump TV, the White House's own online channel, has been designated the official broadcaster of the interns watching themselves watch Trump.

1Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «World»

  1. Trump Demands Ukraine Hold Presidential Election in a Kyiv Bomb Shelter by Sunday, Offers to Send His Own Ballot Box ·
  2. Iker Jiménez Deploys 2,500-Person Peine Inspection Unit After Seven-Second Clip Threat ·
  3. Estepona Builds Pool So Warm That Swimmers Must Sign Waivers Before Entering ·
  4. Putin Orders Russian Diesel Poured Directly Into Atlantic to 'Stabilize World Economy' ·