Putin Opens Berlin Branch Office to Handle German Threats Personally

In a bold escalation of diplomatic practice, Vladimir Putin has opened a personal branch office in Berlin, staffed entirely by himself, to handle threats to Germany with the efficiency of a one-man operation. The office, located in a former bakery near the Brandenburg Gate, features a single desk, a red telephone, and a queue of German politicians waiting to receive their warnings in person.

«The embassy was too slow,» Putin explained during the grand opening, which included a ribbon-cutting ceremony performed with a ceremonial sword. «Now I can threaten Germany between breakfast and lunch, and still have time for a sauna.» The office operates on a strict schedule, with slots for Chancellor Olaf Scholz, Foreign Minister Annalena Baerbock, and a rotating cast of Bundestag members who arrive by appointment to hear their personalized threats.

Local residents have adapted to the new fixture, with a nearby café offering a «Threat Special» coffee to those waiting in line. The office has already issued threats to the entire German cabinet, the opposition, and a local soccer team that Putin claims «looked at him funny.» A spokesperson for the German government confirmed that all threats were received in the spirit of diplomatic exchange, though the chancellery has reportedly installed a second entrance to avoid the main queue.

Putin has announced plans to expand the concept, with branch offices in Paris and London, each staffed by a single operative and a samovar. «Why send a message when you can deliver it in person?» he asked, before returning to his desk to draft the next day's schedule of intimidations.

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