Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

World

Pope's Vigil at Stade de France Extended Indefinitely as 80,000 Pilgrims Refuse to Leave, Demand He Stay Until Second Coming

A routine papal vigil at the Stade de France has become a permanent occupation, with pilgrims pitching tents on the pitch and the Vatican scheduling round-the-clock Masses until further notice.

The Pope's evening vigil at the Stade de France has entered its third week after an estimated 80,000 pilgrims refused to vacate the premises, forcing the Vatican to convert the stadium into a permanent papal residence and cancel all scheduled events through the next liturgical year.

«We came for a vigil and we got a new diocese,» said one of the volunteer ushers, now working twelve-hour shifts to manage the queue for confessionals installed along the touchline. The French Football Federation has been informed that its national stadium is now a basilica and that the pitch will be reseeded with olive trees.

Organizers initially planned a single night of prayer, but when the Pope attempted to leave at dawn, pilgrims linked arms across the tunnel. A Vatican spokesman confirmed that the Holy Father now celebrates Mass every four hours and has personally heard the confessions of 6,000 people, a figure expected to double by Friday.

The surrounding neighborhood has adapted: bakeries are producing communion wafers around the clock, and the RER B has added a stop called «Stade de Dieu» to accommodate the flow. Local hotels report full occupancy through Advent, with some families renting out their living rooms as chapels.

«We simply cannot leave,» explained a pilgrim from Lyon, holding a tent pole in one hand and a rosary in the other. «The Pope is here, and we have decided that he is not going anywhere until he canonizes the entire French national team.»

14Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «World»

  1. Georgescu Escorted to DIICOT by 300 Supporters Who Form Human Firewall Around His Handcuffs ·
  2. Israel to Vet Airline Crews by Asking Them to Pray in Hebrew Before Boarding ·
  3. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Sues Thames Valley Police, Demands Officers Reenact Arrest as Royal Command Performance ·
  4. Ceuta Garrison to Receive One Bayonet Per Soldier, Defensor del Pueblo Orders After Three-Year Queue Forms at Armory ·