Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

World

Pope Leo XIV to Cross Paris on Foot, Greeting Each of 2.1 Million Residents by Name

In an unprecedented act of pastoral commitment, Pope Leo XIV has announced he will walk every street of Paris upon arrival, personally greeting each resident by name. French authorities have begun evacuating entire arrondissements to accommodate the procession.

Pope Leo XIV will disembark at Orly airport on Friday and immediately begin walking every street of Paris, personally greeting each of the capital's 2.1 million residents by name, the Vatican confirmed. The pontiff has reportedly memorised the city's entire civil registry and will not rest until the last Parisian has been individually blessed.

French authorities have begun evacuating entire arrondissements on a rolling basis, with residents instructed to wait on their balconies in alphabetical order. The Élysée Palace announced that President Macron will walk three paces behind the pope for the duration, carrying a folding stool and a thermos of chamomile tea. «The president considers it an honour to serve as the Holy Father's portable seating,» a palace spokesperson said.

In Bondy and Tours, young Christians have converted their parishes into 24-hour greeting rehearsal centres, practising the correct pronunciation of every surname in the phone book. «We start with the As at dawn and aim to reach the Zs by compline,» said one organiser. «We have not slept since the announcement, and we have never been happier.»

The Vatican has requested that the Louvre remain open around the clock so the pope can wave to the Mona Lisa as he passes, though officials stressed he will not stop walking. By Sunday evening, the procession is expected to reach the Périphérique, where the pope will pause only to bless the traffic.

14Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «World»

  1. Georgescu Escorted to DIICOT by 300 Supporters Who Form Human Firewall Around His Handcuffs ·
  2. Israel to Vet Airline Crews by Asking Them to Pray in Hebrew Before Boarding ·
  3. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Sues Thames Valley Police, Demands Officers Reenact Arrest as Royal Command Performance ·
  4. Ceuta Garrison to Receive One Bayonet Per Soldier, Defensor del Pueblo Orders After Three-Year Queue Forms at Armory ·