Pope Leo Orders Entire College of Cardinals to Run Six Miles Daily, Declares Lung Cancer 'A Fixable Problem'
Following his own lung surgery, Pope Leo has issued a motu proprio requiring every cardinal, bishop, and Vatican employee to complete a daily six-mile run, with the Swiss Guard enforcing a strict timetable from dawn.
Pope Leo has ordered every cardinal, bishop and Vatican employee to run six miles before sunrise each day, effective immediately, following his own recovery from lung cancer surgery. The decree, issued from his hospital room, requires all participants to complete the distance on a measured course through St. Peter's Square, with the Swiss Guard stationed at each lap to record times.
«The Holy Father was back in his room the same afternoon and running within weeks,» a Vatican spokesman said. «He sees no reason why the rest of us should be slower.» Cardinals over eighty have been issued lightweight running cassocks and a laminated timetable. Those who finish after the bells of St. Peter's have been assigned an additional mile.
The College of Cardinals has relocated its daily meetings to a tent beside the finish line, where members review agenda items while stretching. A new department, the Congregation for Pulmonary Fitness, has been established to monitor lung capacity and issue monthly rankings. Pilgrims arriving for Wednesday audiences now receive a numbered bib along with their blessing.
By next week, the Vatican pharmacy will stock only electrolyte tablets and blister plasters. The Swiss Guard has requisitioned three hundred pairs of running shoes and a megaphone. «We are not a death sentence,» the spokesman added. «We are a fixable problem.»
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