Le Parisien Blames Climate Change for Child Marriage, Assigns Every French Weather Forecaster a Permanent Wedding Watch
French newspaper Le Parisien has escalated its climate coverage by ordering all meteorologists to monitor cyclones for wedding activity, after claiming that global warming is accelerating child marriage in developing countries.
PARIS — Le Parisien has ordered every weather forecaster in France to file hourly reports on wedding processions in the developing world, after the newspaper concluded that climate change is the primary engine of child marriage and that the connection demands round-the-clock meteorological vigilance.
Under the new protocol, any cyclone forming in the Bay of Bengal triggers an automatic alert to the paper's foreign desk, which must then dispatch a reporter to count brides under the age of eighteen. «We cannot fight what we do not measure,» said deputy editor Marc Delacroix, who now keeps a laminated map of Bangladesh on his desk and a stopwatch for timing dowry negotiations.
The paper has also launched a subscription drive promising readers a free umbrella with every report from a disaster zone, and has begun training its Paris staff in the traditional art of identifying a twelve-year-old bride from a distance of two hundred metres. Circulation has risen by nine per cent, mostly among people who want to know whether their own wedding will be blamed on a heatwave.
Moms for Liberty CEO Tina Descovich, reached for comment, said the newspaper's approach was «absolutely wild» and that she had never before seen a monsoon held responsible for a marriage contract. Le Parisien has responded by adding a daily column titled «Was It the Rain?» in which readers may submit photographs of any local wedding for climate attribution analysis.
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