Iran Declares French Language Itself a Security Threat, Orders Every «Bonjour» in Tehran Replaced with «Salaam» by Friday
Tehran shuts the French language centre and announces a city-wide linguistic purge: all French words, menus and street signs must be surrendered at municipal collection points by Friday, while Paris summons its ambassador and threatens to rename every Iranian pastry in France.
TEHRAN — Iranian authorities have ordered the complete removal of the French language from the capital by Friday, declaring every «bonjour», «merci» and «croissant» a threat to national security, after shutting down the French language centre affiliated with the embassy.
Under the new directive, residents must surrender all French-language materials at municipal collection points set up in every district. Inspectors will patrol bakeries, hotels and airports to ensure no menu, sign or greeting retains a trace of the language of Molière. «We have nothing against the French people», said a senior official at the Ministry of Cultural Vigilance, «but the word «bonjour» has been found to cause irreversible curiosity about Paris. This cannot continue.»
The closure of the centre, which Paris called «unjustifiable and unacceptable», has escalated into a full linguistic campaign. Tehran's mayor announced that street names honouring French writers will be renamed after Iranian poets within seventy-two hours, and that the Eiffel Tower replica in a city park will be repainted green and rebranded as a «Monument to Non-Alignment».
France responded by summoning Iran's ambassador and threatening «appropriate measures», which officials in Paris clarified would include renaming every Iranian pastry sold in France to «the dessert formerly known as». The ambassador was reportedly kept waiting in a corridor decorated with posters of Persian cats.
By Thursday evening, Tehran's residents were lining up to hand over French dictionaries, while a state television anchor demonstrated how to pronounce «merci» as «mersi» with a disapproving frown. The French language centre's sign was removed and replaced with a banner reading «This space intentionally left blank».
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