Hesse Builds Wall Around Entire Internet, Then Discovers It Has No Gate
After a global PHP security flaw, Hesse's government has physically fenced off every server in the state and stationed guards at the data centers, leaving citizens to shout questions at the fence.
WIESBADEN — The state of Hesse has completed construction of a continuous physical wall around every server, router and data center in its territory, sealing the entire state internet behind a barrier of concrete and chain-link fence, the state chancellery announced Thursday.
The wall, which runs from Kassel to Offenbach and includes a guarded checkpoint at the BKA headquarters in Wiesbaden, was erected in response to a global security flaw in the PHP programming language. Officials said the barrier is «the most thorough precaution available» and will remain in place until every line of code in the state has been personally inspected by a civil servant with a clipboard.
Citizens seeking services now queue at the fence and shout their requests through a megaphone. In Hanau, the Standesamt has assigned three clerks to stand at the wall and read birth certificates aloud to anyone who asks. «We are fully operational,» said a city spokesperson. «The wall is simply the new interface.»
The state has also requisitioned every ladder in Hesse and stored them in a warehouse in Fulda, to prevent anyone from climbing over. A second wall is now under construction around the ladder warehouse. Officials confirmed that the second wall will also require a wall, and that planning for the third is «well advanced.»
At the BKA site, guards turn away anyone carrying a USB stick, a laptop or a question about the internet. «We cannot confirm whether the internet exists,» one guard said. «But we can confirm the wall is holding.»
1