Hamburg Deploys 600 Apple Inspectors to Oberhafen, Declares Geheimrat Dr. Oldenburg a Protected Species
City-state mobilizes full agricultural apparatus to catalogue every apple in the port district, while techno clubbers are issued tasting spoons at the door.
HAMBURG — The Hamburg Senate has deployed a standing force of 600 apple inspectors to the Oberhafen district, ordering them to catalogue, taste and rank every apple within the port perimeter by Friday noon.
The operation, formally titled «Project Geheimrat,» was announced at a ceremony where officials in white coats marched past a single apple on a velvet cushion. «We will not rest until every Elbe apple has been assigned a number, a colour and a moral character,» said Senator for Agriculture and Port Harmony Katrin Bohnenkamp. «The Geheimrat Dr. Oldenburg is not merely a fruit. It is a Hamburg resident.»
By Tuesday, inspectors had requisitioned the new techno club in the Oberhafen, converting its dance floor into a tasting hall. Clubbers entering were issued numbered spoons and a form asking them to rate each apple on a scale from «Hamburg» to «not Hamburg.»
The ballet chief dismissed earlier in the week was reassigned to lead the apple choir, a group of forty singers required to hum the apple's Latin name at every inspection site. Rehearsals began at dawn.
By Thursday, the city had built three temporary towers along the Elbe to store apples by district of origin. Residents of the Oberhafen were told to relocate their houseplants to make room for the sorting tables. «We are not asking,» Bohnenkamp said. «We are providing an opportunity.»
The first apple to receive a perfect score was placed in a glass case at city hall. It has not been eaten.
18