Germany Hunts Single Suspect Who Sabotaged Substations to Prove He Exists

Federal police have escalated the hunt for a 49-year-old man from Gevelsberg to a nationwide scale, after concluding that the only way to verify his existence is to catch him in the act of sabotaging yet another substation. The suspect, whose claim letter was authenticated by handwriting experts who compared it to his grocery lists, is believed to be on a one-man tour of Germany's power grid.

«We have confirmed the letter is his, which means he is real, which means he must be stopped,» said a spokesman for the Federal Criminal Police Office. The man is reportedly upset that no one in the left-wing scene remembers him, and has taken to disabling regional transformers as a form of自我介绍. Investigators have now assigned three hundred officers to guard every substation in North Rhine-Westphalia, while the suspect is believed to be moving eastward, having left a trail of darkened neighborhoods from Wuppertal to Kassel.

Residents in Gevelsberg have begun leaving porch lights on as a sign of solidarity, while the suspect's mother has appealed to him on local radio to come home and simply update his social media profiles like everyone else. The nationwide manhunt has entered its third day, with police checking every man in Germany who owns a wrench and has a library card, as the suspect is known to have borrowed a book on electrical engineering in 2019. «We will not rest until the grid is safe and this man has been properly introduced to the community,» the spokesman added.

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