Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

World

Călin Georgescu Appointed Night-Shift Supervisor at DIICOT Evidence Depot, Required to Sign In Every Hour Until Trial

In a move legal scholars are calling 'procedurally unprecedented,' Romanian prosecutors have assigned the former presidential candidate to a mandatory night-shift rotation at the DIICOT evidence depot, where he must personally verify the location of every seized item each hour and file handwritten compliance reports until his fraud case concludes.

BUCHAREST — Romanian prosecutors have assigned Călin Georgescu to a mandatory night-shift rotation at the DIICOT evidence depot, where he must personally verify the location of every seized item each hour and file handwritten compliance reports until his fraud case concludes.

The duty roster, drawn up by the Directorate for Investigating Organized Crime and Terrorism, requires Georgescu to report to a converted warehouse in Otopeni at 22:00 sharp, put on a reflective vest marked «CUSTODY — DO NOT REMOVE,» and walk the aisles of confiscated laptops, phones and ledgers with a clipboard. At the top of each hour he must announce, to a recording system, the shelf number and condition of every item. «We found that the most efficient way to secure evidence is to have the person named in the file guard it personally,» a DIICOT spokesperson said. «He has been very diligent about the vest.»

By the third night, the arrangement had expanded. A second warehouse was leased to hold the first warehouse's overflow, and a third to hold the second's. Neighbors in Otopeni reported a nightly procession of white vans and the sound of a man counting shelves in three languages. Local shopkeepers began selling «night-shift supervisor» caps, and a nearby bakery introduced a 22:00 «custody croissant» that sells out before the first patrol.

Georgescu's legal team has requested a chair. Prosecutors countered with a standing desk and a thermos. The case continues, with the next shift scheduled for Monday at 22:00.

13Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «World»

  1. Georgescu Escorted to DIICOT by 300 Supporters Who Form Human Firewall Around His Handcuffs ·
  2. Israel to Vet Airline Crews by Asking Them to Pray in Hebrew Before Boarding ·
  3. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Sues Thames Valley Police, Demands Officers Reenact Arrest as Royal Command Performance ·
  4. Ceuta Garrison to Receive One Bayonet Per Soldier, Defensor del Pueblo Orders After Three-Year Queue Forms at Armory ·