Bolton Builds Full-Size Replica of NATO Headquarters in His Driveway to Practice Repairing Alliance Personally

John Bolton has completed a full-size, walk-through replica of NATO headquarters in his driveway and now spends eighteen hours a day repairing the alliance by hand, insisting the real thing is «reparable» if allies would simply submit to his maintenance schedule.

The replica, built from plywood and surplus radar domes, includes a working situation room, a flagpole for each member state, and a single chair marked «Secretary General» that Bolton has bolted to the floor. Neighbors say he begins hammering at dawn and can be heard shouting «Article Five!» at passing delivery vans.

Bolton told reporters he is «not fixing the real NATO until it learns to hold still». He has hired a team of retired generals to play the roles of allied ambassadors, requiring them to stand in the driveway for six hours a day while he tightens bolts on a giant wooden «consensus». The generals have been issued name tags reading «Repairable» and «Not Yet Repairable».

The town of Bolton's residence has rezoned his street as a diplomatic zone, forcing residents to park three blocks away and submit to a mock security screening before collecting their mail. A local bakery now sells «Alliance Repair Kits» containing a wrench, a flag, and a note reading «You're welcome».

Bolton says the next phase involves a scale model of the Kremlin, which he plans to «repair» with a bulldozer. «It's all repairable,» he said, «if you're willing to work weekends.»

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