Man United Declares Entire Squad Fit, Schedules Match Against Tottenham for 3 A.M. to Prove It
Manchester United has announced that every injured player will return simultaneously and that the Tottenham fixture will kick off at 3 a.m. to accommodate a mandatory pre-dawn fitness parade through Salford.
Manchester United has announced that all injured players will return to the pitch at the same moment and that the Tottenham match will now kick off at 3 a.m. so the squad can complete a mandatory fitness parade through Salford beforehand.
Manager Ruben Amorim said the club had grown tired of waiting for hamstrings and knees to heal on their own schedule. «We will simply stop acknowledging the concept of recovery,» he told reporters. «From now on, every player is fit until the physio physically wrestles them to the ground.»
The parade will require the entire first team to jog from Old Trafford to the Lowry Hotel and back, carrying their own treatment tables. Residents along the route have been issued earplugs and a leaflet explaining that the noise is «the sound of collective hamstring health.»
Marcus Rashford, Kobbie Mainoo and Carlos Baleba have been assigned to lead the procession, each pushing a wheelbarrow containing ice packs and a framed photograph of the club's medical staff. Any player who stops moving will be fined one week's wages and forced to watch the Tottenham match from a stationary bicycle.
The Premier League has approved the 3 a.m. kick-off on the condition that United supply its own floodlights and that no goals count before sunrise. Tottenham has requested a written guarantee that the parade will not enter the away dressing room.
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