England Selectors Order All 11 Players to Field Simultaneously at Edgbaston, Then Demand They Do It Again in Reverse

England's national selectors have responded to the pleasant problem of too many in-form cricketers by ordering that all eleven players who impressed during the series against Pakistan must now occupy every fielding position at once, beginning with an immediate re-enactment of the Edgbaston Test in which each man is required to bat, bowl, keep wicket and umpire simultaneously.

The directive, issued from a hastily assembled selection bunker beneath the Edgbaston pavilion, states that Dan Lawrence, Jordan Cox and Emilio Gay will each open the batting, come in at number seven, and patrol the boundary at deep square leg during the same delivery. Joe Root, as captain, has been instructed to stand at all three slips positions while also bowling the first over from both ends.

«We simply cannot choose,» a selector said. «So we have decided that selection is now a matter of simultaneity. Every player who impressed will play every role in every match until the concept of a starting eleven is retired. The whitewash proved we have too many good players, and the only logical response is to use all of them at all times.»

Groundstaff at Edgbaston have been ordered to widen the pitch to accommodate eleven batters facing from both ends, while the scoreboard has been rebuilt to display every possible score at once. The England and Wales Cricket Board has confirmed that the next home series will be played under the new rules, with the opposition invited to field a single player who must also do everything.

By late afternoon, the selectors had extended the policy to the coaching staff, requiring the head coach to deliver every team talk simultaneously in all known languages, and to the tea interval, which will now last for the entire match.

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