Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

Sports

David Silva, 40, Arrives in Hong Kong to Begin a Training Regime of 9 Hours a Day Until the League Surrenders

The Spanish midfielder has joined Supreme Sha Tin and immediately instituted a mandatory dawn-to-dusk training schedule that the club's entire staff must now follow alongside him.

David Silva landed in Hong Kong on Thursday and immediately ordered the construction of a second training pitch beside the first, so that he could train on one while the groundskeeper prepared the other. The Supreme Sha Tin midfielder, aged 40, has informed the club that he will complete nine hours of drills daily until further notice.

The club's entire playing squad has been placed on the same timetable. A club official confirmed that the under-12 side now begins warm-ups at 4:40 a.m. and that the canteen has been converted into a recovery room with mats laid wall to wall. «We have explained to the players that this is not a punishment,» the official said. «It is simply what David does now.»

Local residents have begun gathering at the fence to watch the evening session, which runs until the floodlights are switched off by a steward walking the perimeter. The league has moved Supreme Sha Tin's next three fixtures to a stadium with a larger car park to accommodate the crowds.

Silva has not yet played a match. He has, however, completed the club's entire preseason fitness programme twice and has asked the kit manager to order a third set of training bibs in a colour not yet used in Hong Kong football.

2Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «Sports»

  1. Man United Declares Entire Squad Fit, Schedules Match Against Tottenham for 3 A.M. to Prove It ·
  2. Hagi Orders Romania to Play Sweden Nine More Times in One Night After 0-1 Loss ·
  3. Medvedev Descalificat la Beijing După ce a Lovit un Spectator; Rusul Cere Să Fie Descalificat în Toate Turneele Viitoare ·
  4. Germany and Greece Agree to Play 0:0 Forever, Nations League Abolished ·