Carrick Orders Full Squad Rehearsal of Transfer Window Until Every Player Feels Convinced

Manchester United manager Michael Carrick has ordered the entire first-team squad to reenact the club's summer transfer business on the training pitch until every player can declare himself «convinced» of the squad's improvement. The exercise, which began at dawn on Tuesday, involves full-scale simulations of each signing, with coaching staff standing in for agents and a cardboard cutout of the club's chief executive presiding over the ceremonial handover of replica shirts.

«We will run this drill until the last man feels the conviction in his bones,» Carrick told reporters through a megaphone as defenders practiced looking impressed during a mock unveiling. Each player must complete a 40-minute session of nodding approvingly at a whiteboard listing the new arrivals, followed by a lap of the pitch chanting the names of the summer recruits. Midfielders have been assigned extra repetitions, as their position saw the most activity.

The club has erected a temporary «transfer window» structure by the Stretford End, complete with sliding glass panels that staff slam shut to signal the close of business. Players who fail to maintain a convincing expression of optimism are sent back to the start of the drill, where they must re-watch a looped video of the squad's pre-season friendly goals. «The gaffer wants us to feel it, not just say it,» said one anonymous first-team player, wiping sweat from his brow. «By Friday, we'll be so convinced we'll start believing we signed three more players than we actually did.»

The rehearsal is scheduled to conclude with a full-team meeting on Sunday, during which each player will deliver a short speech on why the squad is stronger than last season. Carrick has warned that anyone unable to articulate the improvement «without checking his notes» will be assigned extra sessions with the under-21s.

19Views