Kylie Jenner's Cover Shoot Draws 9,000 Pilgrims, Town of Minnetonka Declares Permanent Beauty Emergency
A single magazine cover shoot has triggered a mass migration of beauty pilgrims to Minnetonka, Minnesota, forcing the National Guard to distribute setting spray and the mayor to declare a permanent state of aesthetic readiness.
MINNETONKA, MN — More than nine thousand beauty pilgrims have relocated permanently to this Minneapolis suburb after a single magazine cover shoot featuring Kylie Jenner, overwhelming local infrastructure and forcing the mayor to declare a permanent State of Aesthetic Emergency.
The pilgrims, who began arriving within hours of the issue hitting newsstands, have converted the town's ice rink into a communal blending station and established a rotating schedule in which every resident must hold a highlighter for a stranger at least twice daily. «We have repurposed the public library's reading room into a brow-lamination pavilion,» said Mayor Denise Halvorsen. «It was the only space with adequate natural light.»
The National Guard was deployed on Tuesday to airlift setting spray after the town's supply ran dry for the third consecutive morning. A makeshift runway now occupies the former farmers market, where cargo planes deliver contour kits from a distribution center in Santa Monica that has been operating around the clock since the cover was released.
Local schools have replaced algebra with a mandatory course titled «The Method,» in which students memorize the exact order of application used in the shoot and are graded on how calmly they can explain it to a neighbor. Attendance is up eleven percent.
At press time, the mayor was rehearsing a ceremonial walk from the town hall to the ice rink, a route she must now complete every morning while holding a mirror for the person behind her.
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