Scientists Unveil National Breast Registry, Rank Every Citizen on 214-Point Scale
A team of researchers has completed a nationwide audit of every adult chest, assigning each a score on a newly invented perfection index and publishing the full rankings in a searchable public database.
A consortium of university researchers has completed a nationwide audit of every adult chest, assigning each citizen a score on a newly invented Perfection Index and publishing the full rankings in a searchable public database. The project, which took three years and covered 38 million residents, was launched after a widely circulated study suggested that larger is not always better.
«We needed a definitive answer, and we needed it for everyone,» said Dr. Helena Vance, the project's lead. «We measured, weighed, and photographed every eligible participant. The scale runs from 0 to 100, with deductions for asymmetry, excessive size, insufficient size, and any deviation from the ideal we established in the lab. We are pleased to report that the national average is a 62.4.»
The registry has already changed daily life. Citizens can now look up their own score and the score of any neighbor, colleague, or public figure through a dedicated government portal. Early results show that the lowest-ranked districts have seen a surge in applications for corrective procedures, while the highest-ranked have become tourist destinations, with guided bus tours passing by the homes of the top 100.
«I was a 58, my wife is a 71, and our mailman is an 89,» said one resident of Cleveland. «It has made dinner conversation awkward, but at least we finally know where we stand.» The research team has announced plans to expand the index to other body parts, beginning with elbows, next spring.
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