White House Arcade Adds Border Wall Speedrun Mode After Players Finish Deportation Game in Under a Minute

The White House expanded its retro video game arcade Thursday with a speedrun mode after test players finished the deportation game in under a minute, forcing officials to install a treadmill-linked border wall construction minigame to extend playtime. The new mode, titled «Wall Builder Ultra,» requires players to physically run on a modified treadmill while stacking digital concrete blocks, with the machine increasing incline each time a player misses a jump over a simulated migrant caravan.

«We realized the average player was expelling the entire virtual undocumented population of a mid-sized state in the time it takes to microwave a hot pocket,» said a White House digital engagement aide, speaking through a headset while monitoring leaderboards. «The president wanted an experience that captures the true endurance of border security, so we bolted a generator to the treadmill that powers the arcade's neon sign. If you stop running, the whole room goes dark.»

Players who complete the wall segment are awarded a digital golden shovel and a certificate of «Virtual Border Vigilance,» which several cabinet members have reportedly framed in their offices. The arcade's high score board now displays a running tally of virtual deportations, which surpassed the population of a small European nation within the first hour of the speedrun mode's release. A second treadmill is being installed next week for a two-player cooperative mode where one participant runs while the other operates a joystick controlling a drone that shines a spotlight on cardboard cutouts of coyotes.

«The physical exertion component ensures that no one mistakes this for mere entertainment,» the aide added, wiping sweat from a treadmill that had been running continuously since dawn. «It is training, and it is fun, and it is the most honest representation of policy we have ever produced.»

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