Italian Parliament Now Requires All Laws to Be Read Aloud in Full Cinema Trailer Voice, With Orchestral Sting After Each Article
In a move that parliamentary ushers are calling «the most committed thing this chamber has done since the last election», every bill in the Italian Parliament must now be narrated in the booming baritone of a film trailer, complete with orchestral hits, slow-motion entrances and a mandatory cliffhanger before each vote.
ROME — Every bill before the Italian Parliament is now read aloud in the voice of a cinema trailer, with a full orchestra positioned behind the speaker's chair and a mandatory slow-motion entrance for any deputy who wishes to speak, parliamentary ushers confirmed on Tuesday.
The new standing order, adopted without debate because the debate itself was narrated over a rising string section, requires that each article of a law be preceded by the phrase «In a world where…» and followed by a bass drum hit loud enough to rattle the chandeliers of Palazzo Montecitorio. Deputies who fail to pause dramatically before voting are escorted from the chamber by ushers dressed as projectionists.
«We found that nobody was listening to the actual text, so we made the text impossible to ignore», said the chamber's sergeant-at-arms, who now delivers all procedural announcements through a megaphone while standing on a rolling ladder. «The budget passed in four minutes. People wept. One deputy demanded a sequel.»
By Thursday the Senate had adopted the same format, and the Quirinale had requested that the president's signature be accompanied by a helicopter flyover and a single tear in close-up. Tourists now queue around the block for the afternoon session, which ushers have retitled «Article Three: The Reckoning».
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