Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

Economy

Dollar So Strong It Now Buys Romania's Entire Import Bill Twice, Bucharest Opens Dollar-Only Supermarket Aisle

The US dollar's surge has pushed Romania to open a dedicated dollar-only checkout lane at every supermarket and require oil tankers to pay in cash at the border, as the leu scrambles to keep up with an American currency that now behaves like a visiting head of state.

The dollar's appreciation against the euro has reached such a pitch that Romania's National Bank has begun printing a parallel leu that exists only to be converted into dollars at the border, and every supermarket in Bucharest has opened a dedicated dollar-only checkout lane staffed by an employee whose sole job is to hold a calculator and look apologetic.

The measure follows a government decision that any imported product priced in dollars must now be paid for in physical dollar bills carried across the border in canvas sacks by a new agency, the Directorate for Strategic Currency Escorting. Its director, appointed Tuesday, said the agency has already escorted «four hundred and eleven sacks of oil» from the Port of Constanța to a warehouse where they are stacked according to the price of Brent crude.

At the same time, the Finance Ministry has ordered all state employees to greet each other in the morning with the current exchange rate instead of «good morning», and the Bucharest metro has replaced its station announcements with a voice reading the dollar-leu quote every thirty seconds. Commuters report that the practice has made them strangely calm about inflation.

Oil companies operating in Romania have been instructed to pay for crude in dollar coins, which the central bank is now minting in denominations of one dollar and delivering by armored van to refineries. A refinery manager in Ploiești said the coins arrive «warm and slightly sticky» and that his staff have begun referring to the dollar as «the small president».

The National Bank declined to comment, but a spokesperson confirmed that the leu is «fine» and that the dollar is «just visiting».

20Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «Economy»

  1. BPCE Buys Every Croissant in Sabadell to Prove Its Takeover Is Friendly ·
  2. KKR Buys Gen II Fund Services, Immediately Deploys 1,100 Accountants to Every Portfolio Company to Count Things Aloud ·
  3. Japan's Central Bank Sets Up Permanent Queue Outside Every Store So AI Can Be Charged for Inflation ·
  4. Zara Replaces All Store Staff with Costumed Historians After Halloween Uniform Recall ·