Skip to content

A satirical publication. Everything here is fiction.

All the News That Never Happened · Issue No. — Weather: probable · Price negotiable
BXODA

No Way In. But There Is a Way Out!

Economy

BPCE Buys Every Croissant in Sabadell to Prove Its Takeover Is Friendly

French banking giant BPCE has purchased all 1,400 bakeries in the Catalan city of Sabadell and will hand out free croissants for a year, calling it a gesture of goodwill after its friendly investment in Banco de Sabadell.

Headquarters of the Bank of the Argentine Nation

French banking giant BPCE has purchased every bakery in the Catalan city of Sabadell — all 1,400 of them — and will distribute free croissants to residents for twelve months, describing the move as «a friendly gesture» following its investment in Banco de Sabadell.

The bank's «Goodwill Brigade», a newly formed unit of 600 employees in matching aprons, began baking at 3 a.m. on Monday. «We want the people of Sabadell to taste our sincerity», said brigade commander Thierry Delacroix, wiping flour from his lapel. «A hostile bidder would have bought only the baguettes.»

By Wednesday the operation had expanded: BPCE chartered three cargo ships to import Normandy butter, hired the entire graduating class of a Barcelona pastry school, and announced that any resident who accepts a croissant must sign a «friendship register» at the bakery door. Local bakers, now on BPCE payroll, report to a central «flakiness control» office that monitors crust quality hourly.

«We are not conquering anything», Delacroix insisted, as a convoy of refrigerated trucks blocked the main square. «We are simply proving that our investment comes with breakfast.» The bank plans to extend the programme to every Spanish city where it holds shares, starting with a paella initiative in Valencia.

4Views

Also fabricated at the desk of «Economy»

  1. KKR Buys Gen II Fund Services, Immediately Deploys 1,100 Accountants to Every Portfolio Company to Count Things Aloud ·
  2. Japan's Central Bank Sets Up Permanent Queue Outside Every Store So AI Can Be Charged for Inflation ·
  3. Zara Replaces All Store Staff with Costumed Historians After Halloween Uniform Recall ·
  4. Hamburg Buys Half a Skyscraper, Sends Officials to Live in It Until They Learn to Share ·