Zurn Elkay Director Jacques Butler Buys $99,993 in Company Stock, Immediately Files to Have the Number Declared a National Holiday
In a move that has baffled financial regulators and calendar makers alike, Zurn Elkay director Jacques Butler has filed a formal petition to have the number 99,993 declared a federally recognized holiday, citing his recent stock purchase as the catalyst for a new era of numerical patriotism.
Zurn Elkay director Jacques Butler announced Monday that his recent purchase of $99,993 in company stock has been officially reclassified by his own personal decree as a «sacred numerical event,» and he has submitted paperwork to the Federal Reserve requesting that the number be enshrined in the Constitution as the official unit of American corporate devotion.
«When I saw that figure on my brokerage statement, I felt a spiritual awakening that no mere dollar amount can contain,» Butler told reporters during a press conference held entirely inside a walk-in vault. «Ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-three. It is not a number. It is a prophecy. I have already commissioned a bronze statue of the digits to be erected in the company parking lot, replacing the employee shuttle stop.»
The Securities and Exchange Commission has reportedly launched an inquiry into whether the purchase was actually a form of avant-garde performance art, after Butler filed a 12-page addendum to his Form 4 explaining that the $7 discrepancy from a round $100,000 was «a deliberate nod to the imperfection of human ambition.» The filing also included a hand-drawn diagram of the number as a labyrinth, with a tiny stick figure of Butler at the center, holding a flag.
In a related development, the company's board of directors has voted unanimously to rename the third quarter of the fiscal year «The Butlerian Interval,» during which all financial reports will be delivered in the form of interpretive dance. Chief Financial Officer Margaret Hollis stated that the decision was made after Butler demonstrated the concept by performing a «liquidity waltz» across the boardroom table, scattering quarterly earnings projections like confetti.
«We have no idea what he is talking about, but the stock price went up two percent, so we are legally obligated to pretend this is genius,» Hollis said, while adjusting a crown that Butler had mandated all executives wear. «Our legal team is currently drafting a prospectus that values the number 99,993 at approximately three times the company's annual revenue, based on a survey of exactly one astrologer.»
Butler has since announced plans to purchase a single share of company stock for $1.00, which he claims will trigger a «quantum cascade» that retroactively makes his first purchase worth one billion dollars. The Federal Reserve has declined to comment, but sources indicate they have assigned a special task force to investigate whether the number 99,993 can be taxed as a separate legal entity.